I'm going to jump the gun on this one and say that the new, yet to be released in theatres, vampire movie called Fright Night is going to be bad. It has almost the same fun "F" alliteration as Freaky Friday but without all that really, really sweet...um...acting (?) and what I can only assume is an awesome tween soundtrack (again, opinion based entirely off of a two minute trailer).
So, while there's nothing I enjoy more than Colin Farrell and that cute guy from Star Trek...what's his name? OK, who am I kidding? It's Anton Yelchin....
So....while there's nothing I enjoy more than those two on screen together I find it hard to believe that anything that looks that bad has even the slightest chance of being good. And I liked Twilight. I know. Crazy.
To be fair, I liked the books...or book...I'm not really sure because they're all just a big jumble in my head but the point is I fell for that so...well, actually, you know what?
I could see 2 million people falling for Fright Night.
Anyway, from the information I was able to get out of the trailer Anton Yelchin is a high school kid who has a hot girlfriend and a vampire-sniffing dog aka human best friend named McLovin'. The movie (trailer) starts with Anton complaining to McLovin' about how people keep going missing at their school and then, when he notices his creepy new neighbor come out only at night and release 4 inch long fangs from his otherwise normal looking face who does he call? Mc-freakin'-Lovin', that's who. So, the movie (trailer) continues, McLovin' comes over to Anton's house and, while crouching behind a kitchen counter, whispers in his most serious lisp "your neighbor's a vampire". Then the movie (trailer) shows a series of seemingly unrelated events occur, Farrell hangs upside down on the ceiling of a dance club and Anton decides to go all Rambo on little Farrell's ass by buying, what looks like, a Ghost Busters costume. Oh, and he buys a crossbow because who are we kidding? In a fight against a vampire you have two options: crossbow or death. Come on.
I'm not sure if it's just because trailers have this odd tendency to squash 2 and a half hours into 2 and a half minutes but Fright Night looks awful. It looks like that other movie about some creepy neighbor locking vulnerable women up into all white rooms while their boyfriends fight tooth and nail to save them. But I guess terrible sells in Hollywood.
But here's my biggest issue: vampires are cool, calm and collected. Sure, sometimes they screech like pterodactyls but, for the most part, they hunt like nobody's business. Even Twilight got that right. They don't need chains or white rooms with blast doors because when they want to suck your blood they will. The very fact that you've been dragged away by a dude with fangs and completely black eyes is enough to subdue you. There's your intimidation. It almost feels like if a vampire has chains it's like adding insult to injury. Just do it already. God.
I want to give Farrell a chance because our last encounter ended embarrassingly for him. I came away with a sweet new Irish accent but he left with absolutely no dignity (I am, of course, referring to my previous post on the fabulous movie Alexander.)
And Anton Yelchin. Well, he fast-talked his way into my heart playing Pavel Andreievich Chekov in the newest Star Trek movie and, way back in the day, I cried because Emile Hirsch and Justin Timberlake killed him.
But, I'm sorry: Farrell's funny factor (ooooh ooooh, another alliteration...haha, I did it again) and Yelchin's he's-just-so-friggen-cute factor ain't gonna cut it.
Fright Night: you scare me but only because I know that you'll make a lot of money at the box office.
2 vampire fangs out of 5
On another note: a girl who came by to look at our house, for renting, totally said I reminded her of a cute, girl McLovin'. That girl for the WIN!
Another note: The following five blog entries are going to be movie reviews based solely on trailers and titles.
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