I'm about to ask you the hardest question you've ever had to answer so I'll give you a few seconds to prepare...
Are you ready? Okay good...here we go:
How many shark attacks and dead/injured friends does it take for you to not go swimming anymore?
Give yourself 5 billion points for saying "0" because NO ONE should have to die on a wonderful, weekend vacation.
Give yourself 1 million points for saying "1" because how are you supposed to know to not go swimming if no one's been attacked?
Give yourself -4 fragillion points for saying "more than 1" because you're stupid.
Shark Night, which kind of sounds like Fright Night is a horror movie about a group of ridiculously good looking people who go to a remote beach house, for the weekend, for some fun in the sun. But all the flirting and sexually driven dialogue must eventually end (like all good things) so that people can get ripped to shit by fresh water sharks. The only POTENTIALLY intelligent part of this movie is the word play in the title itself: Shark Night can be flipped to say Night Shark, a type of shark that's been known to move out into fresh waters...so maybe, just maybe, the writers had this in mind?
I sincerely doubt it though because the same producers of this fine little film are guilty of shit like Hostel and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
But here's what's so interesting about this movie in comparison to something like Anaconda and/or Jaws: these people have the option (or so it seems in the trailer) to get the heck out of there and get help from, like, a wild animal organization or something. I know that when there's a raccoon living in the attic of my house I can dial a number and some guy will come to my house, capture the little guy and I won't have to get my face ripped off. So, guys-being-attacked-by-sharks-in-a-lake, there's probably an app for that.
Why is it that the black guy got killed in the first minute of the trailer and then the following minute and a half every other character gets sucked down into the murky depths of shark-town? I don't have much experience with shark attacks but I'm going to say, based on intuition and a series of unrelated math equations, that the MINUTE one of my friends even thinks there's an animal trying to kill us I won't set one TOE in the water until I know for sure. So, again, why does everyone keep going swimming?
Maybe Bobby is so upset by Stuart's death (just making up names here) that he needs to go take a swim, to cool off, when he gets attacked himself. And then maybe scantily clad Joanne is so distraught that she takes the Sea-do out for a cruise around the lake when the engine fails and Bruce the Shark from Finding Nemo realizes meat tastes better than seaweed and has her for dinner. And then maybe the only reasonable person within a 5 metre radius of anything related to this movie gets up, slams her drink down on the table and demands to know why, oh-why, are people so friggen stupid?
5 shark attacks out of 5 but NOT in the good way...like, in the way where you deserve to be attacked five times by 5 different sharks.
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