3 reviews out of a 5 (this one got my blood boiling!)

I'm about to ask you the hardest question you've ever had to answer so I'll give you a few seconds to prepare...








Are you ready? Okay good...here we go:

How many shark attacks and dead/injured friends does it take for you to not go swimming anymore?




Give yourself 5 billion points for saying "0" because NO ONE should have to die on a wonderful, weekend vacation.


Give yourself 1 million points for saying "1" because how are you supposed to know to not go swimming if no one's been attacked?


Give yourself -4 fragillion points for saying "more than 1" because you're stupid.




Shark Night, which kind of sounds like Fright Night is a horror movie about a group of ridiculously good looking people who go to a remote beach house, for the weekend, for some fun in the sun. But all the flirting and sexually driven dialogue must eventually end (like all good things) so that people can get ripped to shit by fresh water sharks. The only POTENTIALLY intelligent part of this movie is the word play in the title itself: Shark Night can be flipped to say Night Shark, a type of shark that's been known to move out into fresh waters...so maybe, just maybe, the writers had this in mind?


I sincerely doubt it though because the same producers of this fine little film are guilty of shit like Hostel and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.


But here's what's so interesting about this movie in comparison to something like Anaconda and/or Jaws: these people have the option (or so it seems in the trailer) to get the heck out of there and get help from, like, a wild animal organization or something. I know that when there's a raccoon living in the attic of my house I can dial a number and some guy will come to my house, capture the little guy and I won't have to get my face ripped off. So, guys-being-attacked-by-sharks-in-a-lake, there's probably an app for that. 


Why is it that the black guy got killed in the first minute of the trailer and then the following minute and a half every other character gets sucked down into the murky depths of shark-town? I don't have much experience with shark attacks but I'm going to say, based on intuition and a series of unrelated math equations, that the MINUTE one of my friends even thinks there's an animal trying to kill us I won't set one TOE in the water until I know for sure. So, again, why does everyone keep going swimming?


Maybe Bobby is so upset by Stuart's death (just making up names here) that he needs to go take a swim, to cool off, when he gets attacked himself. And then maybe scantily clad Joanne is so distraught that she takes the Sea-do out for a cruise around the lake when the engine fails and Bruce the Shark from Finding Nemo realizes meat tastes better than seaweed and has her for dinner. And then maybe the only reasonable person within a 5 metre radius of anything related to this movie gets up, slams her drink down on the table and demands to know why, oh-why, are people so friggen stupid?


5 shark attacks out of 5 but NOT in the good way...like, in the way where you deserve to be attacked five times by 5 different sharks.

2.5 Reviews out of 5

My brother linked me an article from the website Cracked on three movies that the author can't decide whether to take seriously or not: Click Here to read.

So anyway, I thought I'd take a spin at the three movies reviewed and let you know what I think re: content and author's opinion.

What's Your Number?

In fewer words than the title itself I'd have to agree with the Cracked article that this movie, more or less, sucks. I'd also have to agree with the Cracked article that What's Your Number has absolutely no original content, lacks character depth and follows an age old pattern of single girl looking for love the week (or whatever) before her sister (or whoever) gets married. Where's the original thought? 27 Dresses already did it, Something Borrowed is doing it right now and No Strings Attached/Love and Other Drugs (although a somewhat different offshoot of the Rom-Com) made millions with almost the exact same plot.

So why the heck are people spending $15+ to sit through the same movie every year? I know that 27 Dresses, Something Borrowed and No Strings/Love Drugs were bad because I downloaded them (gasp!) and the most I spent was $2 on a chocolate bar but these movies are sucking people in.

(I'm not innocent of getting sucked in though but we'll come back to that....)

You know, Rom-Com's can be good and instead of appealing to our very basic human nature Hollywood should try harder to make movies like Easy A and Knocked Up. And you know what....She's the Man, too because even though that's another offshoot of the Rom-Com it's still incredibly entertaining, original and full to the brim with absurd but lovable characters! Who, by the way, aren't just good looking for the sake of being good looking or single and desperate for the sake of being single and desperate.

And one last thing: the writer's of Knocked Up had it right when they came up with the brilliant idea that a doctor would only recognize the lead by the look of their vagina. Brilliant, kind of crude but altogether original and yet I've actually seen this done over and over again since then. Case in point: What's Your Number? Guys, it's be done and it was funny...it's not funny anymore. 


The Hangover Part II

What?!?







No. No. No! It's unbelievable. In fact, I'm hoping that this is all just a big joke....another thing I agree with the Cracked article about. It's one thing to make the same Rom-Com over and over again with different actors and mildly different story lines but it's another thing to take a good premise and actually just make another version of it. Zack Galifianakis is great, don't get me wrong, but there's nothing charming about him in the second installment of a movie premise that really should have been left alone. And the thing that really gets me about this movie: in the first Hangover we're lead to believe that these guys have a reputation for being wild but in the second Hangover the novelty of three dudes getting so wasted they don't remember anything is gone. I no longer have respect for them because they got plastered in Vegas, stole a tiger and got married to a hooker. It's just not genuine. And disingenuous people suck.

Bury the idea, Hollywood, because it worked and now it's just giving me a really big head ache.

HERE STARTS THE PART WHERE I DISAGREE WITH THE CRACKED GUY...

Fast Five

You know what? It is what it is and no one should take it for more than that. The Cracked article complains about the cars and the fighting and the butts BUT the Fast and Furious franchise (woooo, alliteration) has never really ever been more than those three things. I guess there's some half-baked commentary on third world dictatorships (I guess) but what it all comes down to is guns and cars and butts. I'm biased, sure, because Vin Diesel is good looking and Paul Walker more so but the question of whether to take Fast Five seriously or not has one simple answer: nyes. "No" because it's an action movie and action movies are stupid and "Yes" because if you ignore the fact that everything and everyone blows up, rolls over and shoots guns without getting hurt then you're sure to be entertained.

I guess it just feels like even though Fast Five is the dude(r) version of What's Your Number? the genre of Rom-Com takes itself a little bit more seriously than this variety of action. I mean, for god's sake, Ludacris is in it.

Honestly, I think that you can't expect something like Fast Five to be intellectual but What's Your Number? tries its hardest to be smart, fun and original in all the departments that it's dumb, boring and clichéd.

Thanks for reading.


What's Your Number?: 27 borrowed bridesmaid dresses with no strings attached covered in shake out of 100

The Hangover part II: 1 reallllllllyy bad hangover out of 5

Fast Five: 4 furiously fast cars out of 5

2 reviews out of 5!

Anything with Charlie Day in it has to be gold so that's the position I'm taking on the movie Horrible Bosses.

The premise is quite simple in that the three main characters want to kill their really horrible bosses. Jennifer Aniston plays a dentist who sexually harasses Charlie Day, Kevin Spacey plays a douchebag who's a douchebag to Jason Bateman and, my favourite, Colin Farrell plays a gross-looking, maybe a little bit paranoid racist/sizist/sexist/whateverelseist you can think of to Jason Sudeikis.

So, after these three guys realize their lives suck because of their bosses they go on a hunt for a "for-hire" murderer...Jamie Foxx.

I'm not really going to say anything else because, to be honest, the trailer isn't all that intense. It's not really about the plot, anyway, because the characters are the driving force. I think it should work if it's got the vibe that The Hangover has with a twist of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I know this review wasn't nearly as dynamic as the last but I'd like to think that if a trailer that has nothing in it can make me think "sure, I'll go see that!" then I don't need to go on and on about how great it is.

I do think that Colin Farrell is becoming a sort of trend with me. I don't look for his movies on purpose, you know? I just happen upon them! He does look funny in this movie though. Not stupid like in all of his other films (except In Bruges, which was fantastic!)

Anyway, sorry this wasn't as good of a review as I'd hoped. Maybe I'm just better at writing reviews for movies I don't like.

Until next time?

4 horrible bosses out of 5

Lapierre

I'm revising my plan to make five consecutive "trailer review" blogs because there's something I really want to talk about.

Maxime Lapierre.

He's Vancouver's very own Tie Domi, but with class.

I'm not one for violence and I'm especially unimpressed by fighting in hockey so it comes as a big surprise that I pretty much idolize Lapierre. When he's on the ice my senses are heightened. When he scores I'm the only one who's cheering because it's him, not because it's a goal. But most shockingly, when he starts talking shit with the other team I cheer him on with pride! 

I'm this guy...

...but with class!

He seems to have found the perfect balance between complete goon and complete douchebag. He doesn't just fight with his fists but he doesn't just fight with his words. When he's on the ice, talking all that smack something about the look on his face says to me "I'm having fun!". Guys who just fight and push and make the game of hockey look far more violent than it is should be kicked out of all games.

But when you're on the ice with 9 other guys and the testosterone is oozing out of every corner you have to know how to chirp without causing a fight. THAT part of hockey is acceptable because we've all been there. We've all picked on someone during a game of street hockey but never to the extent that they threw off their gloves and started throwing punches.

By the way, Vancouver WHOOOOOOOPED ass tonight. Again.


NEXT blog will be a review. Sorry. Had to get it out of my system.

1 awesome review out of an upcoming 4 more!

I'm going to jump the gun on this one and say that the new, yet to be released in theatres, vampire movie called Fright Night is going to be bad. It has almost the same fun "F" alliteration as Freaky Friday but without all that really, really sweet...um...acting (?) and what I can only assume is an awesome tween soundtrack (again, opinion based entirely off of a two minute trailer).

So, while there's nothing I enjoy more than Colin Farrell and that cute guy from Star Trek...what's his name? OK, who am I kidding? It's Anton Yelchin....

So....while there's nothing I enjoy more than those two on screen together I find it hard to believe that anything that looks that bad has even the slightest chance of being good. And I liked Twilight. I know. Crazy.


To be fair, I liked the books...or book...I'm not really sure because they're all just a big jumble in my head but the point is I fell for that so...well, actually, you know what?

I could see 2 million people falling for Fright Night.

Anyway, from the information I was able to get out of the trailer Anton Yelchin is a high school kid who has a hot girlfriend and a vampire-sniffing dog aka human best friend named McLovin'. The movie (trailer) starts with Anton complaining to McLovin' about how people keep going missing at their school and then, when he notices his creepy new neighbor come out only at night and release 4 inch long fangs from his otherwise normal looking face who does he call? Mc-freakin'-Lovin', that's who. So, the movie (trailer) continues, McLovin' comes over to Anton's house and, while crouching behind a kitchen counter, whispers in his most serious lisp "your neighbor's a vampire". Then the movie (trailer) shows a series of seemingly unrelated events occur, Farrell hangs upside down on the ceiling of a dance club and Anton decides to go all Rambo on little Farrell's ass by buying, what looks like, a Ghost Busters costume. Oh, and he buys a crossbow because who are we kidding? In a fight against a vampire you have two options: crossbow or death. Come on.

I'm not sure if it's just because trailers have this odd tendency to squash 2 and a half hours into 2 and a half minutes but Fright Night looks awful. It looks like that other movie about some creepy neighbor locking vulnerable women up into all white rooms while their boyfriends fight tooth and nail to save them. But I guess terrible sells in Hollywood.

But here's my biggest issue: vampires are cool, calm and collected. Sure, sometimes they screech like pterodactyls but, for the most part, they hunt like nobody's business. Even Twilight got that right. They don't need chains or white rooms with blast doors because when they want to suck your blood they will. The very fact that you've been dragged away by a dude with fangs and completely black eyes is enough to subdue you. There's your intimidation. It almost feels like if a vampire has chains it's like adding insult to injury. Just do it already. God.


I want to give Farrell a chance because our last encounter ended embarrassingly for him. I came away with a sweet new Irish accent but he left with absolutely no dignity (I am, of course, referring to my previous post on the fabulous movie Alexander.) 


And Anton Yelchin. Well, he fast-talked his way into my heart playing Pavel Andreievich Chekov in the newest Star Trek movie and, way back in the day, I cried because Emile Hirsch and Justin Timberlake killed him. 


But, I'm sorry: Farrell's funny factor (ooooh ooooh, another alliteration...haha, I did it again) and Yelchin's he's-just-so-friggen-cute factor ain't gonna cut it.


Fright Night: you scare me but only because I know that you'll make a lot of money at the box office.


2 vampire fangs out of 5









On another note: a girl who came by to look at our house, for renting, totally said I reminded her of a cute, girl McLovin'. That girl for the WIN!

Another note: The following five blog entries are going to be movie reviews based solely on trailers and titles. 

I'm not insane because my rats are human!

I used to think that people who treated their pets like humans were a bit nuts. You know those people who buy their dogs special organic treats and carry around a bag full of wipes, poop-bags and a toys? The same kind of people who act as though their dog is their baby? Well, I thought they were nuts.

That is until I got rats.

It sounds crazy, right? That I'd be calling dog lovers "nuts" when I myself have pet rats on a homemade diet?

And now that I'm batting for the other team I'm going to defend us "nutters" who treat their pets with special diets and toys! See, the thing is, I realized that the packaged food from the pet store wasn't supplying my rats with the proper nutrition so I searched the internet, high and low, for a homemade diet. I found one on THIS website, emailed the creator, biked around East Toronto getting all the ingredients and finally came home to, basically, spoon feed my rats three times a day.

Like they are babies. Human babies. BUT, it's OK because, you know what? A) This has given me something to do and B) The Ladies are more human than you'd think.

Moral of the Story?


People should be encouraged to seek out the best diet for their pets, the best toys, the best bedding and the best whatever-else-you-can-think-of because Animals are Beautiful People.

A Green-Bird Original

Advisory Warning: If you ever catch me dressing up my rats please, for the love of god, slap me!

You're a really hungry mosquito bite

So you know how "they" say that eating smaller meals more often during the day is healthier than 2 or 3 big ones? You didn't? Well OK, now you do. But the point is: I do this. I eat 8 billion different small things throughout the course of a day rather than stuff my face at breakfast, lunch and dinner. So while this is "healthier" I find it also just encourages my stomach to be hungry all. the. time.


Look at it this way: imagine that you're a really itchy mosquito bite and you're on the arm of someone who just keeps on scratching: you're never going to stop being itchy until they learn to stop scratching.

Same logic for my stomach. If I keep feeding it (albeit small and healthy foods) it's never going to know what it's like to be not hungry. But now that I'm in this rut where I eat all day long I know my stomach is never going to stop grumbling in hungry-anger at me.

This is a problem.


That and the fact that I do very little with my time so I eat just to give myself something to do.
(As an aside: I used to like being lazy but now I appreciate how boring it is and I'd really do anything...yes, anything...to fill the void that is slowly becoming my summer.)

Anyway....I'm off to go find something to eat. There's probably some left over spaghetti or cucumber salad in the fridge....



Or, you know, that huge bag of candy my brother bought me.

Zach Galifianakis is a Saint.

Everyone and their Grandma knows that Due Date is the best movie ever made.
And everyone and their Grandpa knows that Zach Galifianakis, in Due Date, is simply fantastic.
But does everyone and their Grandparents know that Zach is actually a Saint? 


"A Saint?!?" the audience cried out in disbelief, "We don't believe it! Show us some proof!!" 
"You want the proof? You can't handle the proof!!" I bellowed back in indignation, reaching into my bag and removing a glossy 8.5 x 11 inch picture. With force and a lot of conviction I threw the paper down onto the floor and watched as the crowd descended, awe-struck silence rippling back wards to the outer rim of people. 

"There," I said firmly, "is your proof." But no one replied, too mesmerized by what they were seeing. I stood back and watched like an invisible observer at an art gallery and St. Zach was the Mona Lisa; people in front moved out of the way for those who had made their way up from the back and all the while Zach lay on the floor, untouched. Eventually the murmuring began and it wasn't long before questioning faces turned up towards me.
"Where'd you find this?" one freckled faced man asked, as he leaned in for another look. I smiled confidently down at them all because I knew exactly what I was going to say; I'd been practising for so long.
"Sainte-Anne-de-Beaupré, Québec." 
"What? What did he say?" the crowd was murmuring amongst themselves again.
"In the Basilica of Sainte-Anne-de-Beaupré, just outside of Québec City." I said, louder this time so everyone could hear.
"In a church?" an elderly man with grey hair said in shock.
"Well, where else are you going to find painting of Saints, Harry?" replied a similarly old and grey haired lady, someone I presumed to be his wife. 
"It...it looks just like him..." the freckled man said, looking around at everyone.
"That's because it is!" 
"Golly gee, you might be on to something. Zach Galifianakis is a Saint. A real bona fide genuine spiritual man!" The crowd began to cheer, throwing a collection of twigs, grass and whatever else they could find up into the air. Pandemonium ensued as the original crowd drew in greater numbers and I stood quietly pleased, before the pulsating crowd. And I knew, at that very moment, that everything was about to change.

Keep up the good work!

There's nothing really more entertaining than reading smart-ass remarks on Yahoo! Answers threads or Twitter. Especially if the topic at hand is already fairly outrageous. I've become pretty aware of this fact recently because May 2nd was the Canadian Federal Election and May 4th was my personal exploration into the wonderful world of "Is Lil Wayne Gay?": two HOT TOPICS, if you ask me.


PART ONE


So let's cover the election first: Twitter had a, well, tweet called Tweettheresults that allowed people with Twitter accounts to post Election results, as well as personal opinions and completely unrelated, yet hilarious, comments. My personal favourite was "in the case of 2yr old Lexus RangeRove Johnson, Lil Thug YOU ARE NOT The Father!!". This tweeted result wasn't informative or in the least bit relevant but it made me laugh and that's what matters. Fortunately for those following Tweettheresults, some tweets were actually educated "funnies" like these:  "I demand to see Harper's birth certificate." and " I went to bed in Canada and woke up in America in 2001." 


But what's great about people saying thinks like "Bruce Willis is dead at the end of The Sixth Sense" is that, amidst angry remarks like "if you want to have some gay sex or get an abortion, I'd do it in the next 10 minutes or so" Twitter followers needed something to laugh about.


And laugh I did.


PART TWO


So, what's this about Lil Wayne being gay, you ask? Well, a few years ago Lil Wayne was "caught" kissing another man and everyone got all hot and bothered and wondered, aloud, whether he really likes guys or girls. I, for one, could care less. I blame Facebook for exposing me to things that would otherwise never occur to me to care about! Well, anyway, my introduction to this happened tonight as I stumbled along those Sky Blue and Cotton Ball White pages of endlessly "entertaining" status updates, photo album creations and video posts. As I continued to scroll down the home page I came across one post that said "IS LIL WAYNE GAY?" and, guilty as charged, I checked it out. What else am I supposed to do at midnight? 


Go to bed?? Come on.


Anyway, I never actually figured out if he is or isn't because in the youtube interview it's impossible to understand what he's saying. Bad video quality paired with his "gold" teeth made it pretty hard to determine if he really said watching his son being born was "nasty" (what, Lil Wayne, you think babies get delivered to your doorstop by a real stork? Come on.) 


But the point of all this is that after watching about 4 minutes of a 10 minute long video I decided that I could just google "is Lil Wayne gay" and find out about 10x more quickly.


And I did just that. Hence the blog about funny thread comments. So, apparently and from the very few details I've gleaned from reading other thread comments, Lil Wayne kissed a guy named Birdman in public and then everyone went all viral with their online opinions. Some people thought it was cool that he'd come out, some people thought it was gross and others went into a deep analysis of his lyrics and tried to convince everyone that "giving head" to a woman makes him gay so it's no wonder that he kissed Birdman. But the best response of all: I kissed a bird in public.


Who are these people? These hilarious people who just say things for the sake of saying them are God's gift to humanity. Without them popping up on all the serious threads around the world people would start taking things far too seriously. So this blog is for them! 

THUMBS UP!

Mixed Emotions

I have a lot of mixed emotions going on right now. On one hand I'm really upset about Chotchy leaving but on the other hand we get Aubrey back in about a month! On one hand I'm happy it's summer time and I can spend the next four months just loving life but on the other hand that means we're not all together at 353 anymore and that blows. And on the last hand I'm happy for Kate that she's dating Paul Walker now but on the other hand I couldn't be any more jealous!!!

On Saturday night we (being me, Kate and Sam) got all dressed up and went out for dinner and a movie. The dinner was at Turtle Jack's which I didn't have very high hopes for and the movie was Fast Five.....which I also didn't have very high hopes for.

Well I did and I didn't. Again with the mixed emotions. It's just that Hollywood movies with the Rock and Vin Diesel aren't exactly top quality until, of course, you realize that...well...Vin Diesel is hot, so is Paul Walker, and nothing is sexier than dudes driving around in fast cars blowing shit up.

Gets me blood pumping, that's all I'm gonna say.

In fact I loved the movie so much I'd consider buying it. As soon as it's released Fast Five and Due Date will be up there as my current number 1 movie under the "Hollywood Blockbuster"category. I can't help it and I'm sorry if I disappoint anyone with this announcement but as GIGANTIC as Vin Diesel is he's got something....

Oh and that "can't-pronounce-his-r's" lisp is too cute!!

Well, I'm home now and happy to know I'll be eating properly every day now for the next four months but sad that the sweet rhythm of my life at 353 is on hold until September. I have plans to go back when Aubrey is there because it's been so long and because Sam's all by himself (poor guy).

It's really nice though because all my non-Guelph friends are in Toronto too and that means we can make plans to hang out...every day.

And watch Audrina the new reality television show.

Another guilty pleasure. Sorry.