Friend and Flash Crushes

Over time I have developed several theories on relationships (platonic or sexual) and I feel it's time to share these with the internet.

The first is something I like to call "Friend Crushes". These usually happen to me when I really want to be friends with a friend-of-a-friend. I call them "crushes" because you try as hard as you can to find yourself in social situations where this person is, without looking like you're trying too hard. You have no actual feelings for them beyond just really, really wanting to hang out...all the time. The same degree of excitement arises when you see them because you know just how awesome they are. You may show signs of nervousness or shyness resulting in blushing or unexpected giggle fits but do not be alarmed: these are typical symptoms shown in almost everyone with a Friend Crush. Just go with the flow and allow yourself to become friends with this person. It'll be great, I promise. I know.

The second theory is something I like to call "Flash Crushes". These usually involve crushing on the least likely person you could ever imagine. You know that guy with kind of bad teeth, longer hair than you're used to and a bad sense of style? Well, he's actually kind of cute, eh? And normally I would promote going for any one that you're interested in but these Flash Crushes also tend to be on people who are taken, genuinely not interested or strangers (more-or-less). So, in order to be prepared for one of these Flashes, let me give you some very important information.
Flash Crushes need a 48 hour incubation period in order for the feelings to grow, take over and then fade away. To survive these situations one must avoid being exposed to their "crush" more than 2 times over the course of 48 hours. Chance of survival rises incrementally and past 2 days all signs of The Flash should have disappeared (or in rare cases, should be disappearing). However, exposure within the time period is highly dangerous and often leads to less than satisfactory conclusions. Remain at home and if this is not possible avoid any social situation where said crush may be. If, by chance, you have classes with this person keep your mind occupied as Flash Crushes have been known to take over completely and consume the victim. Once out of the incubation period, put your mind to other things and do not (under any circumstance) think about the person, talk about the person or even go so far as to think about them in association with something else (like other friends or social situations). Your run the risk of reigniting a much harder to put out flame if you reintroduce your thoughts to a past "Flash Crush".

I hope this has helped!

-Berk