It absorbs right UP!

I'm 21 and I'd like to know what right I have to say that I know what I want out of life. Where am I supposed to dig up the information that you 50 year olds have collected over the 5 decades you've been on this planet? You've all gotten successful or realized the mistakes you've made and tried to fix them with the years you've had to pick up on the little things. But me, no...all I know is that I live away from home but I'm not independent. My parents pay my tuition, my mom cooks me dinner, I only function at 100% when I'm in the care of the two people in this world who know what life is all about. Sometimes parents tell you what to do or how to think but that's OK. What really hurts most of all, in this world, is when someone you don't even know presumes to understand your character. Even if that someone is a person you respect and whose opinion you take considerably to heart, even if they do know a little about people and understand something about human nature, even after all of that...it's still incredibly offensive to be told that the path you're on isn't the right one. I would never have known that university is not the place for me if I had never chosen to come here. But I had to figure that out for myself. How can someone ever know that the path they're on is not the one they're supposed to be on if they don't try, at least for a while? Maybe I've taken nothing conventional away from this university experience but I'm in the process of taking away something so much more than that: I know, now, that what I'm supposed to do is not be here. Does that make sense? It does, to me and I'm a little tired of trying to prove myself to people...why do people insist upon proving themselves to others before they have a greater understanding of themselves? You...you came here to study...to get a higher education and maybe that's what you've always wanted, what you've been sure of since you were little. Or you...maybe you came here with one idea of yourself and learned that you've become quite a different person. But me, I came here to prove to my parents that I would do what is expected of me...and this is not meant to be some sort of attack on my parents because I love them and respect their opinions greatly. But they have gained that respect; they have gained my respect because I've survived this far because of them. So that's not the point. The point is, I wasn't try to prove myself to anyone when I joined that class. You know, I'm not opposed to the idea of someone giving me a suggestion but when you make it seem like you know me, when you don't, that is when it truly hurts. I've respected his opinion the entire time I've known him (not long but long enough to know that he's good at what he does) but I lost respect, or he lost credibility, when he presumed to know me...and in no way could I defend my entire person in five minutes. It's just not fair to assume that in that time could I explain to man, who knows nothing of my life, why I do the things I do...or act the way I act. Personal fears or obstacles exist but that kind of psycho-analysis isn't new...it isn't inspiring. It was, when it appeared to be objective...when it came from the mouth of a man who just seemed to be doing his job....but then, today, it came from the mouth of a man who seemed to think that he, over the course of only a few months, has collected enough information (from impersonal observations) to know me. He sat me down, questioned my focus, questioned my person and didn't seem to grasp that it wasn't about the class but about the experience. And I really have no intention of pursuing a career that is directly related to that which I study...but the subject that I'm focused on, one that I truly enjoy, has everything to do with what I think I want. So I'm not ambitious enough to survive in a competitive environment but that's OK. That's fine with me because, if there's anything I know about myself, it's that I'm perfectly happy driving in the slow lane. I would rather take the next ten years to figure out what I'm supposed to do than to take on some pretense that I'm passionate about university, that I'm passionate about this study path I've chosen. I'm not. I'm not passionate about it specifically but I'm still excited by the potentiality that awaits me. So you're an accomplished doctor and you're a lawyer..maybe you love every minute of it and for that you ought to be grateful. Or maybe you wake up every morning and question why you continued doing something you've always hated. Either way, that's the decision you've made. But us, us young adults, are our personal problems and obstacles not what define what means to be young? I've yet to find love but I'm not jaded or cynical enough to think that I'll never find him. The thing is, he's probably just as lost and confused as I am and that's what I'm going to love about him when we finally meet. Anyway, it's not about having an identity crisis but about being told that you should be this person when you...you know who you are. As undefinable as it is to tell someone why you are who you are and as frustrating as it may seem to sit down with a person you respect and be told that maybe you're wasting your time...as much as it hurts to feel like you're just coasting with no specific aim, eventually you'll figure it out. Eventually you'll know who you are, where you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to be doing. Take into consideration the advice you get and never look down upon those who are just trying to help but keep in mind that everyone figures out what they're meant to do at very different times in their life. I have no idea. I don't think I'll know for a while....but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll know by this time next year...or maybe I'll know earlier. Maybe you're sure that you've always wanted to be a businessman and then realize one day that you want to travel or teach. Go for it. The world will still be here even if we take things a bit slower. I'll probably always regret how much this experience has frustrated me (because who wants to be upset?) but I'll never regret coming here because it is within these walls that I've learned a very important lesson: I'm not meant for this. I'm meant for something else and sooner or later that something will manifest itself into reality. I've just got to keep hoping that it'll happen but never rush it because I'm anxious to grow up. I've got a long time before I've got the responsibility and the life time of knowledge that you 50 years old have.