You see, when you google "black spider with red marking on back" the only two options that come up are black widow and the...wait for it....Redback Spider. Both of which are highly dangerous and can/will/are determined to kill you.
Here's what they look like:
Black Widow Redback Spider
Now you tell me those aren't the most terrifying things you've ever seen...
But you see, the whole point of me retelling this story is to highlight a serious flaw in the System-of-Naming-Spiders, to demonstrate exactly how scientists failed me and my brother and to open up a discourse on better ways to identify killer and non-killer spiders.
Of course, once I'd seen what a Redback Spider looked like I immediately knew it wasn't my spider, the one trapped in a glass and between several inches of thick counter top, paper and cutting board. But can you blame me for being terrified when the words I used to describe exactly what I saw resulted in oversized images of spiders that can kill with one tiny, microscopic amount of poison? Of course not.
The problem isn't that I'm an idiot and continue to think that the spider in my kitchen was a highly dangerous Arachnid.
No, the problem is this:
Once upon a time there was a scientist whose name no one remembers. He was walking along through the forests of Australia when he suddenly came face to face with a black spider with red markings on its back. He took out his laptop and did a quick image search, looking for a species of spider that resembled this one. He came across Black Widow but determined that the one dangling inches from his face (lucky he didn't get killed) was something new, something he'd never seen before. So he punched the air in triumph, pleased that he'd discovered something no one else ever had and shouted "I shall name thee the Redback Spider" Then he took out a little jar, captured the spider (again, lucky he didn't get killed) went home and did some tests on his new friend. Somehow, not using himself as a guinea pig, he realized that the spider was a killer so he documented with the finest skill of the finest scientist that ever lived what he'd learned. The spider he caught eventually died (aka it escaped and due to its incredible ability to end a human life the scientist had to squish it) but its legacy as a killer remained. And so, life went on. Then one day the same scientist was walking along the floor of his kitchen when he noticed something black crawling along the counter top. He moved to get a closer look and jumped back in fear. It was a spider....a black spider with red markings on its back! He was paralyzed with fear but had just enough strength and grabbed a glass from the cupboard, slamming it down over top of the creature. "Mooooom" he screamed, "We have a black widow in the house!" After calming down a bit, he moved close again and peered through the glass, coming face to face with the spider. But this time he knew it couldn't be either a Black Widow or a Redback Spider so he sighed in relief. But he was curious about this little guy. See, it moved funny. A little too...jumpy if you ask me. So he went to his lab and searched and searched and searched for any indication that this spider had a name. It didn't. So he went back to it and studied it for a while. He watched its movements and he even let it crawl out onto his hand. It didn't bite. It was friendly and curious and instead of crawling like a traditional spider it had this odd tendency to jump. So punching the air in triumph that he had, yet again, discovered a new species of spider he shouted "I shall name thee the Redback Jumping Spider". He justified this because it had a redback and it jumped and it was a spider. He went to work to document what he'd learned and eventually this little spider also died (naturally this time: old age). But its legacy as the spider who's perfectly harmless but looks and has almost the exact same name as that really poison spider lives on."
And so, that's the problem. Either that scientist was really sick-minded or dumb. Or he had a horrible memory and didn't recall his experiences with the terrifying Redback Spider. Because if he did, he'd probably have named the cute and curious jumpy spider something original. Something with pizzazz. Not something with an uncanny ability to induce fear!
I hope this has been an informative post. I hope that it has taught my readers that despite the twisted sense of humour that scientists obviously have there's a chance that the giant spider crawling towards you with eight bulging eyes and pincers the size of your hand isn't actually so bad after all. Who knows, maybe if the Redback Jumping Spider had been called anything else I wouldn't have thought long and hard and on several occasions about whether or not to kill it.
Note to scientists: Spiders already have a bad rep. They're creepy looking, have eight (often) hairy legs and sometimes a billion beady black eyes so let's give the nice guys a chance.
Peace and Love
-Berky
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