I have to stop living in this fantasy world where my imagination is boss. Because things are starting to get out of hand and I'm deluding myself into thinking that happiness is possible. And wait, before you get all up in my grill and say something like "but you're happiness IS possible", hear me out. Certain elements of happiness are out there; in fact, they're already happening to me like great friendships and a cool university degree but what about all the restlessness and uncertainty that I'm feeling? What about the fact that the school I go to makes me feel claustrophobic or that, in one fateful moment, my chances with...well...that situation...went down the drain? I'm not one who likes to live in regret but I can't help but think that I'm falling into a bad pattern of doing things at full throttle and with my eyes closed. The world is out there, Rebecca, and all this is real. I can't keep thinking that if I think certain ways it must mean that everyone else is too. People are so inherently different from each other, a lesson I'm learning a bit too late. I mean, people's reactions to my actions can't ever mirror my own reactions to myself, can they?
Does that even make sense?
I guess what I'm saying is that I need a change. I need to get out there and see what the world has to offer. Because aside from those that I know love me and vice versa, there isn't enough energy left in me to care about a damn thing. What's the point in all the waiting and the game playing and the timing and all this nonsense when nothing's going to change unless I do something about it? Which is why I either need to pack up and go and just scream out to the world that I'm unsatisfied with it.
Pack up and go? Where? Somewhere warm, somewhere where I can wear pretty dresses and my sandals or heels if I'm feeling sexy, somewhere with fresh faces and new smells.
And if that doesn't happen then what good will screaming out my dissatisfaction do? Probably not a lot but enough that I'll feel, if only for a moment, a little relief.
I'm too young to feel like this is it and yet I know that I have years before me in which I will be in this state of uncertainty. That's just the price we pay for being young and having no experiences with life, or real life. This world I'm in of school and class and participation in discussions and drinking, smoking, sleeping in and staying up...it's all going to go away soon and I'll find reality and, oddly enough, probably like it more.
Not to say that I don't like drinking and swearing and all that fun stuff but there's no certainty right now. However, there's every bit of expectation from every angle that I have my life together. And, mark my words, I don't.
There's no accountability when you're young and, for crying out loud, I'm getting sick of that!
Time to grow up? Yeah, maybe. Or at least time to move on from this game and become a woman of action! I'm scared because I can see her, just out of reach, slowly falling into darkness at the hands of my impatient and restless inaction.
Sorry for the bummer post but I think that I needed to remind myself of what's important and hopefully, if you're reading this, you'll understand that this is more urgent than it is depressing.
I'm a perfectly content person, with myself (how I look, how I behave, who I talk to and what I believe in) so I'm not depressed...I'm just lost. I'm just in need of a little direction.
La-La Land isn't so much fun anymore.
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