M: I'm not cut out for school. I find it a selfish thing. I want to "better myself through education"? Bullshit. I want to make people think I'm smarter because I went to university. But the truth is, I feel dumber. I feel inadequate and often question my own ability to function in the "real world". For crying out loud, I can't even handle one tiny little assignment never mind get it in on time! But then I stop and think that I'll probably do better "in the real world" because there, whatever it is I'm doing, I'm doing for others. Like teaching. Or being a mom.
But I have to have an education. "They" say so. So, I go to class and I try my hardest to be engaged and pay attention and be a good little girl but what actually happens is I forget to hand in an assignment or I fail a class and I equate this with FAILING life.
And no one tells me "wow, you're really good with kids" and then says "and it'll get you far in life". No, it's "go to school and learn how to be good with kids and then you'll make money. don't finish an assignment? FAIL."
A: Is this new to you? That's capitalism, you know?
M: It's just frustrating. Reading about capitalism is one thing, living it is another. I don't want to. It's bullshit to me. And I just don't want to have to lie about what I'm interested in....
A: You wanna move to China? It sucks but that's the way it is...
M: OK. I understand I can't change the world I'm living in by throwing a fit but I also don't like what it does to my psyche every time I don't do well, academically. And I don't think I should stand for it. I do but I don't think I should. It feels like I'm being forced into something because that's the norm. The norm is make money or die. What kind of fucking norm is that?
A: It's sad but there is no way of changing it, there are too many people who gain from this system and funnily enough because of the system they are the most powerful.
A: I don't like this idea capitalism puts in our minds that if you're not financially or academically better than someone else you're inadequate. How does this enforce positive human values? Do people even care about positive human values anymore or is it all about "ME, ME, ME"? I'm really sad now...thinking that the world is such a shitty place for people like me.
